A life lived in a lie

There are people aplenty

Who see me everyday

Some like me in the morning

And some during the rest of the day

To those that think they know me

You couldn't be more wrong

The few that really do, are a myth now

Its indeed been long

Some say I'm the perfect man

Oh boy, I hear myself say

I wish I could be just that

But its been a while and I'm astray

Changes aplenty, nothing's the same

The longing for the days gone by

Its all gone, its here no more

Only memories of yore flash by

Questioning what I learn from mistakes

Wishing I could go back in time

If only that one moment, I could undo

I'd not be here, but another place and time

The crisp sunshine after a heavy shower

The air so clear, the colors bend in the rain

The smell of a new life...

I can dream on, but all in vain

Its here now, the moment of truth

Beckoning forever and I can't deny no more

Sailing the oceans has never been easy

Something within must begin to roar

- Dated November 10th, 2010 3:00 am as I listen to Default's "Live a lie"

The title inspired by the song, and the post by the lyrics:

Still don't see much of me giving in
Much too strong to live outside these sins
Feeling like I'm taken lightly, think you see right through me
Words of those that still despise me, think it's eating me, you're dreaming

One page writeup, one last time!

As the plane soars some 30000 feet above sea level, nostalgia creeps over me. Suddenly the prospect of writing something is not dreadful anymore, simply because this will not be graded, this submission does not have any deadline associated with it, simply because my major will not be affected by how well or poor I write this. Sigh!
It’s been a year of whirlwind activity, culminating with some very awkward and phenomenal days in the past 2 months. With fortunes swinging like a pendulum, there was never a thought I wanted to put down here, but today, 90 minutes away from home, before the flight lands, I know I want to pen something here.
Ok, for formalities, let’s begin by announcing – yes! I have completed my MBA from the Indian School of Business, ranked #12 in the Financial Times’ list of global B Schools. It’s a proud moment, and one that still has to sink in. The awesome campus, the superb friends, the many places within, the many memories, they’re all for keeps!
It is funny how having lived the life of a nomad over the last 5 years makes moving out of school such an emotionally easy experience for me, compared to sentiments overflowing all around. But when the plane took off from Hyderabad some 30 minutes ago, there was a faint feeling of déjà vu, and I went back some 3 years when I was moving back to India for the first time. Sigh, again!
Shyte! I can’t believe, I just hit Ctrl-A, Ctrl-J, and was almost about to add a border to this page! I guess there will be these remnants from the life of a B School student that will always stay with me. Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to 2 new cars at home, the new house, the new job beginning in about 10 weeks, but more than any of these, the next 10 weeks. It will be a break from the life on campus that sped past at the speed of light. I know the next few weeks will be the adjustment phase. Been there, done that! J
But before all that, a revisit to the times gone by - It seems like but yesterday when I boarded to go to school after having moved back to India. New faces, new names, excitement, apprehension, the jostling, the networking, the put on smiles, and the many genuine ones too somewhere between all of that. And then a year passed by and I’m on the other side with nothing to hold on to but memories from arguably the best year of my life till date – well, almost! J
April 3, 2010 was momentous. The day I graduated. Also the day I received the ‘Alumni’ ID card. Also the day when I had dinner with my chums from school for the last time. Also the day when I partied for the last time. And took the morning walk to the dam on campus at 7 in the morning before finally sleeping. Its way too much that’s flowing through my mind at this point in time for me to make any corrigible sense here on my blog, but I promise, someday I will explain all of this if you care to know.
And then the ode to my gang here (oh shyte! It’s not ‘here’ anymore! It’s now ‘there!’). Time to move on Nick! But then, some of the better friends I’ve made in a while now. I guess there is something different about your school friends, and then something different again about your friends when you’re away from home. And with B School being a mix of both, you can imagine what I’m finding hard to put in words. And until I do so, I shall leave just this here. So long!

Dated: April 4, 2010

And the quotes again!

women are silly creatures (a good amount of offense meant!)....they look for a reason/a pattern in everything....even though most of their behavior can never be explained with good reason

you know people who like to take only calculated risks like to look for a reason in everything

Courtesy R. Yes, this alphabet makes its debut on this blog tonight! :)

The Quote

Saw the play "Troubadour" by Salim Ghouse a couple of months ago at the convention centre, and could not help but remember a quote he made so emphatically -

If you're with everybody but me, you're with nobody

If you're with nobody but me, you're everybody

Pulled the strings deep within.

Coupled with the deep baritone, the subliminal messages, and the passion, it made for a truly exhilarating evening. Definitely one of the moments of my life here at b school

And then, the ramble

time goes by ever so slowly

yet the memories remain

of moments of pain, and those of vain

gestating in the mind, roosting

a crowd this is, and yet it ain't

the lonely shepherd on the hill

he sees them sun rises and sunsets

a reason for envy for many

but still the need, the want to belong

trudging the paths all day long

and yet retracing the steps

back home at the end of the day

the want for a change

the desperate need to move on

stuck in a time warp

and then the chains

the rare moments of vulnerability

the bane of my existence

looks are deceptive, chinks aplenty

to err is human, I'm human too!

Rewind

To a post a long time ago after my first tryst with golf. And then today - I was back at the driving range. The after effects of a year of not having indulged was clearly visible in the swing, or the lack thereof! 45 minutes into it along with H - a senior from high school who is now a batchmate at b school (coincidence?!) - and it was slowly getting back.

Its funny how you can never unlearn certain things in life. Cycling, driving, swimming, and of late - golf! You can go without any of these for any length, and when you get back to it, its a matter of a short time and everything falls into place. Much like people from the past, who may be far far away for years at a stretch, and yet, it takes but just those 5 minutes of the high fives for everything to come back! Shaky and S would vie for this, and R as well.

All said and done, this time golf will become a religion. Intend to take time out at least twice a week. Spoke at length with SC last night and sorted out the first 2 aspects of my 5-3-1 year goals. Feel a bit more at peace with myself now.

Nearing the end of term 3 of 8 here at b school. Another week and then I'm off to Delhi for a well deserved break (I'd like to claim!). It has been weird - this time at school. I've changed so much that people would fail to recognise me. And I guess that all contributes to the haziness in the 3rd part of the goal. But its about time I pick up the pieces, and get back to building the unflailing image I was so used to having people see me in. Deep within, I question if its been worth it. Its time again for changes, and this time the kinds that puts me back where I was.

And then I rue the reduced anonymity here. I might kill this blog soon, and move everything elsewhere. Unless the urge is overcome over the next few days. S2 is being sorely missed! But I look forward to the new house in Delhi. And yes, I am well and truly on the path of getting ready for my brother's wedding. Squash and/or badminton every evening, I promise! And a lot of other things too.

The Who

Marty

Hiro Nakamura

Neo

And then, Nick

And then there was joy!

the nadir that is so horrid

and then the zenith

makes the trip downhill

so worthwhile

realisation that strikes

and then strikes yet again

sorrow that is real and short lived

it is all so important

the bonds - moments in time

they last - forever in time

so touching and pure

that i always want more

the past is gone

and then the ramifications

the future is here now

joyous, promising, and how!